Lexi was having trouble falling asleep last night and called me into her bedroom to talk. She was telling me about the things that were making her anxious. Then all of the sudden, she got agitated.
“I pray to God about all of this and he doesn’t give me what I want!” Her tone was filled with anger and betrayal.
As I listened to Lexi, I realized that I have been feeling the exact same way. Angry that God doesn’t seem to want the same (good) things that I do or chose to manifest them in the ways I think would be best, on my timetable.
Explaining to my kindergartener how God loves us more than we can imagine, but that loving us isn’t the same as giving us what we want is a sobering exercise. Not because she could not understand it but because I wonder how we can be struggling with the very same things. I realize that my example of striving to believe more deeply is something she is already noticing because it is already relevant to her, and I pray that I would not lead her astray. I pray that my life would be an example of faithfulness.
One passage of scripture that I have meditated on countless times came to mind. “I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” When I feel far from God’s goodness, I proclaim in confidence that I will experience it again. And it helps.
I’m still failing at Easter, but I’m a little more hopeful today than I was a few days ago, that remedial work may be making a difference. Like a little child learning how to tie my shoes, I am trying my hand at practicing resurrection.
I am too, Kristen. Practicing and learning every day.